


Lars Vs. The Smoke Detector

by CoreyWW



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Anger, Comedy, Explicit Language, Funny, Gen, Gift Fic, Ridiculous, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-09-13 23:37:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9147049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW
Summary: Lars loses a battle of wits against a smoke detector that starts beeping at three in the morning.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BarracudaHeart](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BarracudaHeart/gifts).



_Beeeep!_

Lars woke up at three in the morning to that irritating sound. He groaned and rubbed his eyes. He probably wouldn’t have felt as frustrated if he hadn’t hadn’t only been asleep an hour.

He immediately grabbed his alarm clock and employed his usual method of turning it off by flinging it against the wall of the attic. He rolled back over, wrapped up in his blanket ...

_Beeeep!_

He rose from the bed, gritting his teeth.

“What the fuck?!” he shouted to no one in particular (as he did often).

Lars looked around. If it wasn’t coming from the alarm clock, he wasn’t sure what else could be causing it. He picked up his phone; it had no notifications or missed calls, so it couldn’t have been that. Neither his TV nor his game console was on, and those were the only other electronics he had. Unless some of his clothes or his stack of “scholarly periodicals” that he hid under his mattress suddenly decided to start beeping, there wasn’t anything else that could cause--

_Beeeep!_

“ _God dammit_!” he shouted. That stupid noise was so annoying but it was spaced out long enough that it was somehow a _surprise_ each time. At least that time he realized the sound was coming from above him ...

And that’s when he saw the smoke detector on the ceiling of the attic. The green light on its front was flickering.

“Oh, so that’s it,” Lars said. He wondered why anyone would _design_ a smoke detector to make a noise at random. Lars just assumed the only time the fire alarm would go off is if there was ever, you know, _a fire_.

Lars pulled his chair from the corner and stood on it to reach the smoke detector.

When he got closer, he noticed there was a slot for batteries in front.

Lars rolled his eyes.

“Okay, I guess that’s it, batteries are low,” Lars said. He pushed it down to pop open the slot. “I’ll just put more in and--”

And then Lars found out the smoke detector took a single 9-volt battery.

_They still use 9-volts for shit?!_ Lars thought.

He hopped off the chair and ran to the drawer of his TV’s entertainment center to look for batteries, but he already knew he wouldn’t have a 9-volt.

Lars sighed. His parents were out of town so they weren’t around to ask where more batteries were.

Lars picked his phone back up. It was now 3:10 AM. Lars was cold and tired and he really _really_ didn’t want to go out to buy batteries at Fuck O’Clock in the morning.

Maybe he could just ignore the beeping and go back to sle--

_Beeeep!_

Lars groaned.

* * *

The cashier at Walgreens smiled and swiped the batteries on the scanner. Lars stood with his arms folded, wearing a shirt from yesterday and pajama bottoms.

The cashier smiled and said, “That’ll be $7.13.”

* * *

_Beeeep!_

“Yeah, yeah, shut the fuck up,” Lars muttered as he popped the battery latch opened and swapped it for another 9-volt. He flung the dead 9-volt on the floor, not even bothering to aim for the trashcan.

Lars stood on the chair, waiting for a moment ...

No beep. Lars was pretty sure it would have beeped by now if that hadn’t worked. The indicator light on the detector was solid as well now. It was over.

Lars exhaled.

“Finally,” Lars mumbled. He stepped down and flopped on the bed. His eyes burned from how tired he was. At least now he could finally get some sle--

_Beeeep!_

Lars’s eyes popped open.

_No way ... there’s no fucking way_ , he thought. _I’m just hearing things._

He looked up. The light was flickering again.

_Beeeep!_ the smoke detector said.

Lars’s eye twitched.

_THERE IS NO GOD!_

He pulled the chair out and climbed up to the smoke detector. He opened the battery latch, the battery was in the right way ... maybe he had to hold the button on the front down or something. He pressed the button--

_BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!_

Lars covered his ears.

“ _Oh yeah, this is so much better_!” Lars shouted. That was probably the button to test the alarm, so of course that wouldn’t make things _quiet_.

He took the battery out to at least stop the now _louder_ beeping ... and somehow it still kept beeping!

_What the-- DOES THIS THING RUN ON THE SOULS OF DEAD CHILDREN OR SOMETHING, WHAT THE FUCK?!_ Lars thought.

Lars pulled at the alarm, forcefully unscrewing it from the wall, only to then realize that there were wires attached to it.

It was wired into the house.

It was not powered by the battery at all.

_THEN WHY IS THERE EVEN A SPOT FOR A BATTERY? DID SATAN DESIGN THIS?! GOD DAMMIT!_

The noise from the alarm kept blaring. Lars’s head pounded.

_BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!_

_This ends now,_ Lars thought. He pulled at the wires, ripping them from the wall (he realized seconds later there was a clip that easily detached the wires but screw it, there was no time!) He took the smoke detector, opened the window, and threw it outside.

“Phew,” Lars said. “That takes care of--”

There was a screech outside followed by a crash. Lars’s eyes went wide. He looked out the window but couldn’t see anything in the street.

That ... that was probably nothing, Lars thought. Probably just a coincidence.

* * *

“Yes, that’s right, a smoke detector fell out of the sky and that’s what caused the accident,” Kevin said on his phone to the insurance company employee. He paced outside his car, whose front end was now partially wrapped around a tree. The windshield inexplicably had a smoke detector embedded in it.

Kevin rolled his eyes.

“Yes, it _just_ fell out of the sky,” Kevin said.

The man from the insurance company spoke on the end of the line.

“... what do you mean my plan doesn’t cover that?” Kevin said.

A moment later he said, “... what do you mean ‘ _act of God?_ ’”

* * *

After all that, Lars finally managed to sleep for an hour or so before he went to work.

Two weeks later, Lars’s crappy phone overheated and caused a small fire for a few seconds. Lars luckily woke up and put it out.

After it happened, his parents wondered why the smoke detector didn’t go off.

Lars didn’t say a thing.


End file.
